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“Sorry about dinner, Deb, the Pope has a cold.” Husband number two: the senator. And do you know what they got me? MAL-I-BU BAR-BIE! That’s not what I wanted. Doting…or where they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My birthday. I don’t like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs. Adam’s Family ValuesĪ monologue from the screenplay by Paul Rudnick ‘Do you…’ (gunshot) Harold, please! ‘Do you have ups and downs without obvious reason?’ Oh, that’s you, Harold! ‘Do you find the idea of wife-swapping distasteful?’ ‘Do you think the sexual revolution has gone too far?’ It certainly has. ‘Did you enjoy life when you were a child?’ Oh, yes, you were a wonderful baby, Harold. ‘Does your personal religion or philosophy include a life after death?’ (Harold points his gun at his mother) ‘In your opinion, are social affairs usually a waste of time?’ Heavens, no! ‘Can God influence our lives?’ Oh, yes, absolutely yes. ‘Do you believe in capital punishment for murder?’ Oh, yes, I do indeed. ‘Do you sometimes have headaches or backaches after a difficult day?’ Yes, I do indeed. ‘Is the subject of sex being overexploited by our mass media?’ Well, that would have to be yes, wouldn’t it? ‘Is it difficult for you to accept criticism?’ No. ‘Do you often get the feeling that perhaps life isn’t worth living?’ Hmm, what is it, Harold? A? B? ‘Do you remember jokes and take pleasure in relating them to others?’ Well, you don’t do that, do you, Harold? No. Three: ‘Should women run for president of the United States?’ I don’t see why not.
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‘Should sex education be taught outside the home?’ Oh, I would say no, wouldn’t you, Harold? Yeah, we’ll give a D there. ‘Are you uncomfortable meeting new people?’ Well, I think that’s a yes, don’t you agree, Harold? Now then, are you ready, Harold? Here is the first question. Harold And MaudeĪ monologue from the screen play by Colin Higginsįirst, here is the personality interview which you are to fill out and return. I wish you well and I won’t bother you anymore. In fact, out of her asshole! WHICH I’M SURE IS PERFECTLY BLEACHED! I am happy for you, Lillian. You would know that if you got your beautiful-haired-head out of your asshole. Ever since you got engaged, everything has turned to shit. Nothing says friendship like 1,000 gallons of unsanitary chocolate! Ow, ow, ow! What am I doing? Well, let me fill you in. Right? Oooh, delicious! Ooo! Maybe it’s better if I dip it in the CHOCOLATE!! Is this what you want Lillian!? Hey, you know what!? That reminds me, I don’t think I ever got a piece! Stupid fucking cookie! Yes, we’re all thinking it. Look at this shower! LOOK at that fucking COOKIE!! Did you really think this group of women would finish that cookie?
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The ‘you’ that I know, would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and thought this was completely over the top, ridiculous, and stupid. Right? Lillian this is not the ‘you’ I know. How romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We’re all thinking it aren’t we? Yes, we’re all thinking it. I told you Paris! I told you! What, you’re going to go to Paris with Helen now?! Are you going to ride around on bikes with berets and fucking baguettes in the basket of the front of your bikes? A monologue from the screenplay by Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig